You Are Not Your Own

Today I feel so amazingly blessed. The past few days I have had quiet a few heart to hearts with God, mainly out of frustration because I feel like my prayers are falling on silent ears. I spent a few hours in our prayer chapel debating with God it seemed, wrestling Him about the issues in my life that I feel need to be addressed immediately. I walked out into the cool night air more exasperated and frustrated than I had ever felt before. I felt so much rage inside, because I felt that God was ignoring me. That next morning I read 1 Corinthians 6:19 which says, "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?" Then in my devotional I read, "The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says-"Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purpose to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." 

Reading this brought tears to my eyes, and made me ashamed for being so angry with God for not answering my prayers within the time frame that I feel they should be answered. So I grabbed a piece of paper and considered all of the positive things that have happened in my life and the ways in which I can glorify God through my broken heart. It was humbling, and hard to do, because I feel like a victim, I feel alone, yet to switch those feelings and simply do what God wants me to do and to realize that was a truly freeing experience. I prayed for guidance and for help. And amazingly enough I had the privilege of hanging out with some old and new friends last night, and had a blast watching movies, discussing classes for next semester, talking about boys, and just laughing about goofy things. I have been praying for friends and I was speechless last night when I found myself having fun again; smiling and laughing and being okay! Then this morning I met with my counselor about my classes, She is amazing and we talked about transferring and goals for next semester. She was so encouraging and offered to be my mentor. I almost broke down in her office! I have been praying for over two years for a good mentor in my life, and I have felt as though I need one now more than ever before. The amazing thing is though that she is not only my counselor but also my teacher and a huge leader at Biola. I was so overjoyed walking out of the teaching department I almost let out a "WAAhhhoooooOOOoo!" I also had the opportunity to sign up for the CBEST and other things to help me in my major. Today I am so thankful. I want to bottle this thankfulness up and keep it as a reminder that God is so GOOD. And that no matter how hard things get or become I can as Alfred Tennyson once said, "Cast all of my cares on God; because that anchor holds." And also to remember that God's timing is perfect, even though there are times where it doesn't make sense. I have so much belief and faith in God, especially now when I feel so lost. I desire to have so much faith that is as natural as breathing, and today I am staggered that I was so stupid as not to fully trust Him before.