Thankfulness

This weekend God really hit me with how selfish I am, and how thankful-less I am because of that. 

At the beginning of this week I was reading Esther and when I got to the part where she fasts for three days and at the end brings her petition to the King, I wondered about fasting and why as Christians we are told or expected to do it.  I prayed about it for a few days and decided to do it for some guidance.  I researched it and wanted to make sure that my heart was in the right place.  So from Friday until Sunday I fasted.  

On Friday I studied all day at the library then went to the park because it was such and beautiful day. Then that night went to the worship mosaic SCORR conference that was being held here at Biola.  It was amazing.  We learned several Jewish dances and all danced together and learned about their culture.  Then a woman lead us in worship, only we sang in Kenyan.  It was so impacting to sing in another language. ( I think I said that earlier)  She even taught us some dance moves that went along with the songs!  The songs, when she translated them, were so simple and yet so true and meaningful. After that we had a speaker come and teach us about the Christian Church and how it has evolved over the years and how we cannot confuse the idea of living in the world but not of the world.  I went to bed that night feeling so close to God, loving that I go to a school that allow us to experience, learn, and appreciate other cultures.  

On Saturday, I woke up early to go to IKEA for Missions Conference where we spent a good amount of the day trying to stay under budget and get the things that we need.  After that I went back to my room to put up our new lamp and fell off the chair and really hurt myself. ( I was being retarded) Then I spent some time with a friend.

        And on Sunday, I did ALL of my laundry and organized my room, then went to the park and studied.  As I was reading and watching the families, kids, and couples; loneliness settled in.  I had been praying so much the past few days, earnestly searching for anything that God wanted me to do.  I walked home and later that night went to our MC meeting.  I felt so empty and void of any possible feeling that I thought that I would attain from fasting.  As I walked by Commons (our school coffee place) all I could think about was how much homework I had to get done, and how frustrated I was. As I started my homework  I opened up my Systematic Theology book and read this, 

"Fasting increases our sense of humility and dependence on the Lord,

it expresses urgency in our prayers...

fasting says to God that we are prepared to lay down our lives that the situation be changed rather than it continue."

I was totally ashamed when I read the word humility and laying down my life, I realized how much I think about myself, and how, yes there are things that I want changed, but, with prayer comes supplication and even when things are difficult, THANKFULNESS.  I do thank God, but it is so half-hearted, "Thanks for another day, and for food, and for college...blah, blah, blah."  It was really humbling and hard to realize that I do not thank God enough.

In the midst of all of my pain or loss, I still have so much to be thankful for. 

In Luke, he goes in detail to describe Jesus during his last hours before his crucifixion. He talks about how Jesus prays and prays for "this cup to be taken from him," and goes back to his friends, who he devoted 3 years to, and they were asleep.  Then when Peter says, "No, I will never deny you, I would die for you," he does when Jesus is arrested.  Peter is confronted by others who claim that he is one of Christ's follower.  He denies it and at that moment locks eyes with Jesus.  Jesus prayed, fasted, pleaded, sweat blood and the answer was no, because God's will and purposes had to come to fruition. He went to his friends, and they weren't there for him.  They made promises, and they abandoned him.  Reading this and realizing the loneliness the Christ felt was overwhelming and it made me see that I am not as alone as I feel. 

I was frustrated when nothing happened during my fast because I was selfishly placing expectations on it, instead of only doing it for God's will and to grow closer to him.  I realized that God was trying to show me that I am not thankful enough for the things that I have been blessed to have.  We all do not thank God enough for everything, however I feel that in my case, I have been ignoring God's blessings in my like, and that makes me ashamed. 

SO, :) I am beginning and forcing myself to notice all of the amazing things that I should be and am so THANKFUL for.

The big things for today were:

• The birds singing outside the window during my California History class.  They were beautiful to listen to when I got bored.
• For my intro to teaching class.
• For bubblegum 
• naps
• not being able to sleep during naps because my thoughts are racing
• learning more and more to trust God with the desires and hurts of my heart
• faith, and trust
• verizon: for having free minutes to talk to other verizon users
• for raindrops on my glasses
• and for remembering and hoping
• for my Special Olympics starting back up today
• music
  

  This pictures are from tennis tonight.  We had a new student tonight.  His name is Reo and he is nine.  It was his first time playing, and it took us about an hour to have him hit the ball over the net.  He did SO well.  He was precious.  He loves to sing and would count off, "A-one, and a-two, and a-three, throw me that ball!" He was so positive and sweet.  I asked him what his favorite color was and he looked up at me and was like, "OHhh light blue!" We had a blast.  He has hardly any eye sight in his right eye, so we had to position him in a certain way so that he could try and focus on the ball. I am very excited to see how much better Reo gets, and to get to know this awesome little guy better.

   The other pictures are from art class tonight, I finished the pop art one and tonight we learned about saving the whales and the ocean and painted and used crayons. It was fun :) Okay I really need to go to bed.

Check out his awesome wheels! :)

I know, I know, I stink at water color and crayons ;o)