Less than 12 hours

I get to be home with my family in less than 12 hours! Yah! Happy (almost) Thanksgiving!

Disneyland with the girls

Megan, Deanna and I went to Disneyland last night.  We had a blast talking about Thanksgiving and the joy of not having classes for the next week. We were all pretty tired and we all look pretty bad but here are some pictures anyways :) 

I'm not quite sure what I am doing...

Here is the castle all decorated!

Meg and me dancing 

This is our tradition, to pose like this :) I was laughing to hard to take a serious picture.

The sleeping beauty carousel 

Meg and Deanna for sale at the California adventure fruit stand.

Deanna's 20th Birthday!

Today was Deanna's 20th birthday

Atila and I drew D the "hopscotch of her life" starting out with 1 year all the way to 20 :)

We decorated the outside and inside of her dorm 

These are some of the girls :) We went outside to light D's birthday candles so that she could make a wish. (Lit candles aren't allowed inside.)

Atila and I were put on kidnap patrol until the girls were done writing a paper to start the party, so we kidnapped D and took  her to Berry Cool.

After Deanna went to Disneyland with her mom who came out for the weekend and then our awesome party, I think that her 20th birthday was quite a success. Happy birthday D! 

"Yes...BUT"

This is a picture of my sisters and their friends jumping off a cliff. I thought that it seemed appropriate :)

During the summer time, back home, cliff jumping is a regular past time.  One hot day this past summer it was my friend Steve's birthday, so my Dad and I took him cliff jumping.  As Dad sat back and enjoyed an adult beverage and a cigar, Steve and I climbed to the third largest jump on the cliff.  The first jump is about four feet from the water, the second about ten, the third about 15 or 20, and the fourth probably 30 or 40 feet from the water.  I only go off the 3rd because it is just enough to scare me but not enough to not make me want to do it. With our toes on the edge Steve started to count, "1, 2,..." I said, "Wait, I can't! It's too high I can't do this alone!" Steve laughed grabbed my hand and said, "3".  Needless to say I was a little upset, but that extra push is what I needed to leap.  I decided to go back up and do it all by myself.  Half of my old high school was there, memories of good and bad flooded through my mind.  I climbed up to the third jump and peered over the edge.  The dark water below seemed treacherous, yet the faces surrounding me were no longer my life, I had chosen to grow up and become something, to make a difference, to glorify God.  I strained my eyes to look at my Dad, he gave me the thumbs up.  I breathed in and jumped.  The second my feet left that ledge I felt as though I were flying, I felt the most wonderful freedom. 

I have been contemplating this idea of jumping when it comes to matters of life; when it comes to trusting God. Luke 9:61 says, " Lord I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house."  When I read this I felt so selfish.  There are so many countless times when we say, "Okay, but let me do somethings first" or "Sure, but don't make me go through dark times." If we are to do anything worth while in life, there are times where we must risk everything on our leap.  Jesus desires this from us...trust, to simply "be still and know that He IS God."

J.R.R. Tolkien once said, "Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." Trust...trust is something so easy to say but so difficult to follow through on. I feel like I have taken that leap of trust, I have plunged into the water and hit rock bottom.  Now I am treading water, attempting to keep my head above the surface, awaiting God's life boat to come and save me.  And yet part of me feels like I haven't taken that leap yet. I have taken baby leaps, but not that big one.  That one that looms before me, because I can't seem to let go, to let go of that one thing that means so much to me. 

In my devotional today Chambers said, "Trust entirely in God, and when He brings you to the venture, see that you take it.  We act like pagans in a crisis, only one out of a crowd is daring enough to bank his faith in the character of God."  I want to be that daring "one".

The road has darkened and become lonely, and I feel helpless at the top of my cliff.  But I know that God is there. He is encouraging me to jump, to take that leap of faith and trust in Him.  He is the one standing by my side counting off, "1, 2...." and at that moment he reaches for my hand, I let go and at "3" fall into the awe of His loving and gracious arms.  

The Most Important Thing

There has been something that has been pressing on my heart lately, well actually for quiet a few years. We discussed it in Bible study this morning and I wanted to write a little bit about about it and my heart in it. The topic is on grief. The speaker this morning illustrated grief as "the set of feelings and emotions human beings experience when they face loss." I just thought that it was a really good topic because it is something not only American's but also as Christians we sometimes chose to ignore or coverup to forget about it.  The difficult and sad thing is, that we as the selfish humans we are impose loss on each other.  Thankfully loss determines how we grow, not only in ourselves but also in Christ.  Successfully walking through grief brings us closer to God.  The stages of grief as most people know are:

  * Shock- Where you are so numb that you can't even feel sad because you are too possibly hurt to feel anything.

* Denial- Where you just can't believe that this is true. 

* Anger- Where you ask questions like; "Why God?", "Why me?", Why this person?" You come to a place where your pain is so big you don't know what to do with it.

* Pain-   Where all you want is back what you have lost.  You feel like a failure.  You feel like you let all of those around you down. 

* Debating-  Wanting to make deals with yourself and God to bring things back to the way they once were.

* Depression- Is sadness with no hope. Wanting to give up, because you feel powerless because of the hurt.

* Acceptance- Realizing that life will go on.  To see that it is not the end of your story.

* Hope- For the future, moving forward, and growing closer to God. It is hard to believe that there is anything on the other side.  But you come to a point where you discover joy again. You learn to live with what you have lost.

Saying that it is God's will sometimes doesn't help.  It makes God out to be the antagonist. It makes you feel like a victim. And at times that is true, but its not good to only see yourself as that.  Grief is a process of accepting a change that we don't want.  

Psalm 22 is a verse that has kept me strong and hoping. Knowing that I am not alone in my sufferings.  David went through the same periods of loneliness. Psalm 22 says, 

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 

Why are you so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear;

And in the night season, and am not silent.

But you are holy,

Enthroned in the praises of Israel.  

Our fathers trusted in you; they trusted, and you delivered them.

They trusted you and were not ashamed...

I am poured out like water, and all of my bones are out of joint;

My heart is like wax, it has melted within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd.

And my tongue clings to my jaws;

You have brought me to the dust of death...

But You, O Lord, do not be far from me;

O my strength, hasten to help me!"

This verse speaks to my heart, reassuring me that there is hope amongst the despair. Going through periods of loss is a good thing. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, " My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction; for whom the Lord loves He corrects." Last week the speaker said "Let God be God," and this week the ending line was, "Let God be there for you." To me, allowing God be apart of your sufferings, with a willing heart gives God the chance to move in you in amazing ways. God blesses you and you find joy again. Letting God be your everything, to me, is the most important thing.

Missin' Faces From Home

My cousin's Casey and Jacob

Maddy and her best friend Caroline (who happens to be Christina's little sister:)

My "other" family :)

Mom and Dad

Paige and Bud 

This is Paige and Kels kissing Chancy

I miss these faces from home!

Today I really miss being home with my family. I had a huge math test today and stayed up really late to study for it. But in the middle of my studying I had this driving urge to go for a walk.  So I grabbed my Bible and walked over to one of my favorite buildings here at school.  I sat down at the bench and started to pray, "God, this is crazy its 1 in the morning I really need to study more for my test, why the heck am I out here?!" I read Galatians 2:20 and 6:7-10, they both talked about God's love for us and having faith in Him through all things.  6:9 Says, "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."  I feel like I have been losing heart a lot lately about everything.  I know I shouldn't be because I do trust in the Lord and want His will, yet I feel things are just stuck or frozen in time, nothing is really going anywhere.  

I guess it just boils down to faith and experience in God.  I don't want to lose heart, I want to be strong and keep my head up even when things feel impossible to bear.  

In times like this I really miss home and things that are familiar. On a happy and random note, today in my bowling class I bowled a 107! That is huge for me.  And my math test went O.K., I was the last one to finish which always worries me a bit, but I did my best :)  Please be praying that God gives me extra strength to get me to Thanksgiving break!

Hollywood

My really good friend Christina and I went to Hollywood last Saturday. It was my first time and we had a blast!

This one is for you Paige :)

You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Toads Before You Find Your Prince ;)

Today in lab we dissected a frog! EWWwwww  I know! Or at least it was for me, because I had never done it before so my lab group had me do it!  Just thought I would put up a few lovely photo's of it. Enjoy! 

The frog "Bob" before I sliced him.

Some of my partners in crime :)

It took forever but we finally did it, and it was really gross!

This is why I am going to be a teacher, not a doctor! :p

You Are Not Your Own

Today I feel so amazingly blessed. The past few days I have had quiet a few heart to hearts with God, mainly out of frustration because I feel like my prayers are falling on silent ears. I spent a few hours in our prayer chapel debating with God it seemed, wrestling Him about the issues in my life that I feel need to be addressed immediately. I walked out into the cool night air more exasperated and frustrated than I had ever felt before. I felt so much rage inside, because I felt that God was ignoring me. That next morning I read 1 Corinthians 6:19 which says, "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?" Then in my devotional I read, "The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says-"Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If through a broken heart God can bring His purpose to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." 

Reading this brought tears to my eyes, and made me ashamed for being so angry with God for not answering my prayers within the time frame that I feel they should be answered. So I grabbed a piece of paper and considered all of the positive things that have happened in my life and the ways in which I can glorify God through my broken heart. It was humbling, and hard to do, because I feel like a victim, I feel alone, yet to switch those feelings and simply do what God wants me to do and to realize that was a truly freeing experience. I prayed for guidance and for help. And amazingly enough I had the privilege of hanging out with some old and new friends last night, and had a blast watching movies, discussing classes for next semester, talking about boys, and just laughing about goofy things. I have been praying for friends and I was speechless last night when I found myself having fun again; smiling and laughing and being okay! Then this morning I met with my counselor about my classes, She is amazing and we talked about transferring and goals for next semester. She was so encouraging and offered to be my mentor. I almost broke down in her office! I have been praying for over two years for a good mentor in my life, and I have felt as though I need one now more than ever before. The amazing thing is though that she is not only my counselor but also my teacher and a huge leader at Biola. I was so overjoyed walking out of the teaching department I almost let out a "WAAhhhoooooOOOoo!" I also had the opportunity to sign up for the CBEST and other things to help me in my major. Today I am so thankful. I want to bottle this thankfulness up and keep it as a reminder that God is so GOOD. And that no matter how hard things get or become I can as Alfred Tennyson once said, "Cast all of my cares on God; because that anchor holds." And also to remember that God's timing is perfect, even though there are times where it doesn't make sense. I have so much belief and faith in God, especially now when I feel so lost. I desire to have so much faith that is as natural as breathing, and today I am staggered that I was so stupid as not to fully trust Him before.

Bosom Buddies

Us being total goofs!

Dodgers game freshmen year!

D and I in Disneyland at the beginning of our freshmen year :)

At the beginning of my freshmen year I lived in the "nerdy dorm.." The day my parents left my roommate hadn't moved in yet. I remember getting on my knees and praying that God would help me to do the best I could in college, and that I would be strong now that my family was gone.  As tears streamed down my face I heard a knock on the bathroom door that connected to my sweet-mates room, it was Deanna.  From the moment we first met "D"(as I affectionately call her) and I have been the best of friends.  We have been though everything together; family stuff, school, feeling too little, feeling old, heartbreaks, 3 o'clock in the morning phone calls, sicknesses, tears, so much laughter, and great times. D is a bio major with a huge heart. She has an amazing 4.0 and falls for the most hilarious jokes and pranks.  We have been through a lot together, and she is, as I like to call from one of my favorite books and movies "Anne of Green

Gables", my bosom buddy, my dearest and truest friend.

I Miss My Kids

These are the triplets

Water day! :)

Silly faces :)

In high school and this past summer I worked at this amazing preschool/day care.  When I first started working there the kids used to look up at me and say, "Oh Miss Taeerrr, you are a cool teacher because you are just like us kids." So it took me awhile to gain respect from them, but over the years I have made some life-long wonderful relationships.  These are the faces and lives that inspired me to become a teacher.  Ever since I was 3 I had my heart set on becoming a pediatrician, however right before I left for college I switched my major to elementary education.  So far its been a bit of a struggle, but I am so excited to teach someday.  I hope that I made an impact in the lives of those little guys, because they certainly have made an impact on mine.